EMS is not your typical type of job. You work long hours, in sometimes deplorable conditions.... With one person.
That person you rely on to watch your back. (Sometimes literally. More on that in a second.) The person who keeps you awake when you're exhausted and driving. The person who teases you incessantly, the partner who reminds you to keep your shoulders back when you lift, the partner who tells you that you have "Shit on your back" (LITERALLY watching your back). The partner who makes sure you get breakfast, lunch, and a bolus of caffeine prn. The partner who understands when you scream at the dispatchers (before keying up the mic of course), the partner who understands when you scream at stupid drivers. The partner who forgives you for temporarily blinding him, and is just as depressed as you are when your unit is called to pick up the bariatric cot.
And most importantly (Yes, Epi's priorities suck)... The partner who gets your attention (in a professional way of course!) to let you know there are firefighters in turnout gear washing a firetruck just ahead and to the left of us. Even if I'm with a patient.
New Partner: Epi... Up here.
NP: EPI. Come up here.
I'm sitting in the captains chair filling out the run report. I lean forward and look towards the front of the ambulance. I catch New Partner's eye in the rear view mirror.
NP: Look to your left and thank me later.
I lean even farther forward, (we're sitting at a red light) and look out his drivers side window.
There in front of me (well, to the left...) are male firefighters, washing the firetruck.
NP: Like I said... thank me later.
THANK YOU NEW PARTNER.
Thank you... SO much.
Edited to add: Let me add that he's straight. He's built like a frickin' brick wall, he can lift like there's no tomorrow (Extremely important when you are primarily a transport unit), and he's straight. And cute. And single. And he still knew me well enough to know that I'd REALLY appreciate guys in turnout gear washing a fire truck.
Yes. I'm THAT lucky. Don't hate me.
EMS is not your typical type of job. You work long hours, in sometimes deplorable conditions.... With one person.
A Day in the Life of a Transfer EMT. (One typical shift last week)
That can't POSSIBLY be the alarm clock... Oh God Oh GOD it's the alarm clock... Make it stop.
"Mr. Epi... turn that thing off. Please." He hits the alarm clock, accidentally snoozing it instead of turning it off. He rolls over and goes back to sleep. I get up and stumble down the stairs into the bathroom to take a shower.
Showered and in the process of drying my hair. Naturally curly hair as thick as mine is a pain in the ass in the morning.
Emerge from the bathroom with unruly curly hair in every direction. Uniform is on, makeup is on. Now, where is that coffee?
Step out of the back door. It's warm out, warmer than I had thought. I'm going to be seriously overdressed today.
OH Thank HEAVEN. It's 7-11. I score another free coffee courtesy of my EMT uniform. Membership has it's privileges.
I arrive at the station. Why is the truck parked nose in?
Truck inspection is done. We have no Oxygen. None. All three portables are empty, as is the main. The truck is dirty, there's a bag of half eaten Taco Bell left in between the passenger and drivers seat. I decide to find out who worked at my station during the prior shift (the regular partners were on vacation). I vow to kick their asses. I would never leave a truck in this condition, I don't care if It was my regular truck or if I was using someone else's.
Call dispatch and let them know I'm there, and that we need O2. No, Sleepy Partner isn't here yet.
Sleepy stumbles in wearing street clothes. This is going to be a fun day.
Our first run of the day. Drop a patient off for an Endoscopy. This would be the backseat driver from hell that I posted about last week.
Call complete with dispatch. We're immediately dispatched to "Impossible To Park At" Nursing Home to bring a patient back to the same hospital we're currently leaving from. I hate parking at this place... It requires a 15-point turn to get the truck to the point where we can back in.
Call complete with dispatch. Informed that we have a pickup at another nearby nursing home. They have a 0930 appointment at the same hospital we're leaving. Yet again. We sneak off to the local carryout for more coffee and continue on to the Nursing home. This run takes longer than most as the radiologist's office doesn't have an order from us because we weren't given it from the Nursing Home. Hell, we weren't given anything from the Nursing Home. I asked, they denied. Even when I told them that our patient really needed the order.
Our patient is vomiting in the waiting room while we wait for the Nursing Home to send the Radiologist the order via fax.
We finally get Vomiting Patient back in her bed. It could have been ninety minutes earlier had the Nursing Home just given us the order instead of worrying about Hipaa laws. Once I call complete I'm dipatched BACK to the same damn hospital we've been transporting to all morning. I'm busy daydreaming about breakfast and caffeine.
Please... can I get some caffeine? Something to eat? Please? I test my blood sugar and it's 66. I retreat to the ER of the Hospital we've taken up residence at and score some peanut butter. YES! JACKPOT!!!! We head out to the truck and tentatively call complete. We're immediately dispatched to pick up vomiting patient. Apparently she's done already. Breakfast and lunch denied. Back to the Impossible to Park at Nursing Home. At this point I'm cursing the Hospital, the Dispatchers, and the God's of Private Ambulance Services.
Drop Vomiting Patient off at Impossible to Park at Nursing Home. Dispatch doesn't give us a new destination so we head towards "Home". We make it to the local carryout before they call us again.
We depart the local carryout with caffeine and granola bars in hand and head to the truck. They let us know that we're returning... back to the same hospital we've been in and out of all day. We're picking up Heavily Sedated and Completely out of it Chick from Dialysis and returning her to her home at Out of Town Suburban ECF. Cool. Female EMT's are not allowed to tech her thanks to her "anger issues" so New Partner takes her. It's an uneventful transfer.
We call complete at Extremely Out of Town Suburban ECF and we're famished. Apparently caffeine and granola bars do not do much in the way of sustaining ones appetite.
We both curse ourselves for not packing lunches.
We're immediately dispatched to a Nursing Home almost an hour away to take a patient to a dialysis appointment about three miles away from the home. We sneak off to Burger King. We're not proud, but we're getting to the point where we don't care. Sleepy Partner runs in and supplies me with more caffeine and a Whopper Jr. with cheese. I decide I love him.
Saw Future New Partner... He helped us move our patient to the dialysis bed. I've worked with him before, just once... He's a good guy, And he's not bad to look at. I think I'll like working with him. With the schedule he's on he's getting off early. I pray that we get off early, or at least on time, as I actually feel like I'm ready to die. My damn sciatic nerve is causing almost excruciating pain. Who knew sitting on one's ass could be so miserable. Pain is shooting from my ankle up to my mid thigh. I'm hating life at this point.
We call complete at the dialysis clinic and fully expect to be sent back towards quarters. No such luck. We're dispatched to a hospital nearby to take a patient back to their Suburban Nursing Home. Not that one, the one on the other side of the city. I want to cry. Seriously. I pound the radio mic against the dashboard a few times and take a deep breath. I let dispatch know I understand their instructions and call ourselves enroute with a fake smile on my face. I pray they don't know how miserable I am. I'm hungry... I'm hurting... and I feel like whatever money I earned today was no where near what I paid in pain. I refocus by giving Sleepy Partner instructions to call me next shift (when I'm working with a New Partner and he is working with an even Newer Partner and EMT) if and when he gets lost. He thanks me by handing me his Palm and asking if my husband can "fix it".
Awww, Jesus. Serously? Of course I take his Palm and tell him "We'll do our best to fix it."
We're done. We're actually done. Sleepy goes on his way while I head to the station where Dispatch is located to get the times and run numbers for all of the runs that Sleepy didn't get pages for. Of course I haven't had a pager so I can't help in this department other than actually physically filling his paperwork out for him. Believe it or not I really don't mind...
It's only eight runs in twelve hours, but it's an insane day for us... I'm glad it's over. And I'm longing for the days I don't have to run my butt off. I long for thd days where my left leg doesn't betray me by screaming at me the entire shift.
Today was my first day with New Partner (I've yet to come up with a name for him... I'm working on it.). It was... Not as expected.
I am not a new EMT. Why do I all of a sudden feel like a new EMT? Hell, my biggest complaint about Sleepy Partner was that at times I felt like I had to do my job and his. Today I felt like New Partner was doing his job and mine. I wasn't unmotivated. I was doing my best. I was a little intimidated, but not because he was trying to be intimidating, he just is. Does that make sense? He's a big guy and can lift more than any person should be able to lift, He's a great EMT (He'd make a fantastic Medic), and he's a good guy. He's seasoned. He's good.
I'm just feeling all over the place. Add to that the fact that my leg hurt like hell and it made for a shitty day. I went to my chiropractor after my shift and bawled my eyes out. Thank God he's as good a Counselor as he is a Chiropractor. I think I love him. If he could make my leg feel better I'd actually get myself pregnant and name the baby after him. Boy or not. It's going to get better, I know.
I went to the local health store and got some Valarian Root extract. Daaaamn Hammer, you weren't kidding. It does smell like feet. Doesn't taste much better either. Hoping it works.
Praying it works.
Tomorrow is another day.
Another schedule change. Another new partner.
Sam, I hate to do this to you, but I only have one shift left with Sleepy Partner.
Here's a previously unposted sleepy pic for ya:
Tomorrow I work with another coworker as Sleepy worked nine twelve hour shifts straight and is taking an extra day off (can't say I blame him) but I do work Friday with him. Saturday and Sunday are off days, then I start my new schedule... Monday through Friday, 0700-1700 with a partner I have yet to come up with a name for.... I'm sure I'll have something by the end of the first day.
McHottie, perhaps? I dunno.
For those of you who pray... Seriously, I could use them. My left leg is still EXTREMELY sore... That sciatic nerve is killing me. I cried again tonight, and in front of my kids... Not a proud moment for me. I can remember every time my Mom cried in front of me, even several years later. Then my Dad called and I cried to him on the phone. It's been a rough day.
With me luck folks.
I limp over to the phone at the other side of the ambulance bay fairly confident that Sleeping Partner is doing what he does best (and therefore isn't hearing the phone ringing next to his head). On the third ring I pick up the phone.
Epi: (in the most cheerful tone I can manage) "Helloooo?"
Cool Dispatcher: "Hey Epi... How are you this fine morning?"
Epi: "Oh I'm just living the dream, and yourself?"
Cool Dispatcher: "Fantastic, Epi. You have a run!"
Epi: (voice dripping with sarcasm) "Gee thanks so much Cool Dispatcher!
I hang up the phone. "SLEEPY PARTNER GET YOUR ASS UP! WE HAVE A RUN!"
I grab my cup of noodles, my coffee, and wait until I hear Sleepy Partner moving actively before I head out to the truck. Thank God Sleepy Partner has taken the EVOC course and is now able to drive (as long as there's no patient in the truck. If *I* happen to be in the truck and he rolls it over, that's okay. Guess I wont be napping today). I wait to put us enroute until I hear Sleepy enter the bay. He doesn't keep me waiting long.
Sleepy Partner: Where we heading?
Epi: I haven't had a pager in three weeks. Check your pager.
Sleepy takes a look at the pager. "Suburban ECF to Evil Empire Hospital. Endoscopy."
I ask if he knows where he's going, and he nods. I sit back in the passenger seat, sip my coffee, and do my best to not distract him while he's driving.
We arrive at Suburban ECF and Sleeping Partner backs up to the entrance perfectly.
Epi: "Good job Grasshopper!"
He rolls his eyes. "Shut it, Epi"
Epi: So, is it a name we know?
SP checks the pager again. He looks irritated.
"What's wrong?" I ask
"Epi... remember that lady who yelled at you from the back of the truck the entire way to the hospital? The one who accused us of stealing her cookies?"
Epi: "Oh GOD no. NOT her."
Epi: "Let's go get this over with. At least it's not a wait and return."
The hallways at Suburban ECF are the equivalent of rush hour gridlock. Wheel chairs with residents, drug carts, meal carts, nurses, housekeeping staff... It takes us almost ten minutes to go down three different hallways with the stretcher.
Sleepy Partner knocks on our patients door. "Mrs. Backseat driver? We're here to take you to your appointment."
Our patient is sitting on her bed with her purse in her lap. She looks extremely pissed. I get a sick feeling in my stomach.
"I don't know what in the HELL the problem is with your company!"
Sleepy cocks his head sideways, a little confused. "What's wrong, Mrs. Backseat Driver?"
Oh boy, here it comes.
"YOU should have been here an hour ago! Why are you running so late?"
It's early, I try to wrap my mind around the conversation... "Ma'am... We got this call right after we clocked on for the shift. We were enroute within two minutes and it took us about ten minutes to get here. I promise we came as soon as we were called."
"Well You're LATE."
"Ma'am, I apologize."
Sleepy partner is lowering the cot so we can get her over to it. I forgot she's ambulatory, so when she stands up and walks over I'm a little surprised. I reach out to guide her down to the cot and she yanks her arm away from me.
"You two will not be STICKING me, will you? I wont have it. The crew that was here yesterday stuck me six times before they got a vein!" Backseat patient shows me her bruised forearms and hands. I cringe a little. I glance at Sleepy Partner. He looks nervous.
"Ma'am," I start as I strap her onto the cot, "I'm sorry the guys yesterday had a hard time starting a line on you. I can guarantee you that neither of us will be sticking you."
She relaxes a little bit. "We need to get going, my surgery is at seven am."
I look at my watch. It's 0645. "Ma'am... Do you need to be in preop at seven, or is your procedure starting at seven?"
"I told you my surgery starts at seven! What part of that did you not understand?"
"Okay, on we go" Sleepy Partner says. "Are you comfortable ma'am? Would you like to sit up a little more?"
"No, I would like to get on the road. If I'm late for this surgery I'm going to be VERY upset. I will be upset with your dispatchers, the Hospital, and you both."
I take a deep breath and we raise the cot up and head for the ambulance. The trip back through the crowded hallways seem to irritate her more. I'm starting to feel sorry for sleepy partner. He's going to be trapped in the back of the truck with her for a good ten minutes.
We finally emerge from the nursing home and load her into the truck. I take a step backwards and promptly roll my ankle and fall flat on my back. Sleepy Partner looks stunned.
Our patient is the first voice I hear. "Oh for crying out loud, SHE's going to be driving me? Can this day get any worse?"
Sleepy Partner starts to lose his patience. "She just FELL. How is that ruining YOUR day?"
I'm a little surprised by Sleepy Partner's tone. And a little proud. I decide I might love Sleepy Partner. I dust myself off, and stand up. My hands are scraped and my ankle is throbbing, but the pain I've been in from my damn sciatic nerve seems to have faded. Instant chiropractic adjustment, folks. I'm cured. At least temporarily.
I shoot Sleepy Partner a smile and thank him silently. He smiles back.
I decide if I was ten years younger I might stalk him. Yes, Sam, I said it. :)
Backseat Driver Patient from Hell interrupts our moment. "Don't you DARE take Monroe Street. You'll be taking Central. My God this is the COLDEST ambulance I've ever been in."
Sleepy Partner climbs in the back with the SheDevil and I jump in the drivers seat (Okay, so I gingerly climb into the drivers seat) and get us moving.
I pull out onto Monroe Street, which coincidentally is the quickest and most direct route to the hospital. It's also blessedly empty.
Wait for it... I think to myself... Wait for it...
"I TOLD YOU TO TAKE CENTRAL!" She yells.
"Ma'am, Central has construction on it and it's filled with potholes. Please trust me, I'm doing my best to get you to your appointment on time." I say loudly, but calmly.
"Okay, but if I'm late I'm going to hold you personally responsible!"
"I can understand your frustration, please just trust me." I fight the urge to get into an argument with her. Right now I wish I had just taken Central.
The remaining eight minutes of our transport time is blissfully silent. We arrive at the hospital with two minutes to spare. We're at least a ten minute walk from the area of the hospital she needs to be in. A little longer with my swollen and now throbbing ankle.
We head into the hospital and towards the elevator. I've taken her to Endoscopy before, but that was the only time I've ever been to that department. I remember it being on the floor with the Labor and Delivery area. I know this to be a fact. I am as positive of this as I could possibly be.
We step into the elevator and trouble starts again. "What floor is it on, Epi?" Sleepy Partner asks.
"Five" I say.
"It's not on five, it's on four." The patient says.
"No Ma'am, it's on Five. It's on the floor with Labor and Delivery." I close my eyes and take a cleansing breath.
The patient has had it with us. "Listen here young lady. This is my sixteenth visit here. I KNOW it's on the fourth floor." She looks at Sleepy Partner who looks like a deer trapped in headlights. "Push four. It's on the fourth floor."
I speak to SP, "Sleepy, remember, we got off the elevator and couldn't get to that part of the floor because we were blocked by the baby area? We had to go down, and come up on the other elevators?" I'm praying he remembers this. If I give into this woman who knows when I'll get her to her appointment.
The elevator doors close. Sleepy Partner shrugs his shoulders. The patient is now commanding him from her throne on our beautiful yellow stryker cot to "press four" or she'll "sue the company and both of us for gross incompetence."
I shake my head. "Just hit four. We'll do it your way Ma'am. I just want you to know that you will be responsible for making yourself late." I know, not my finest moment. I'm not proud of it.
We exit the elevator on the fourth floor. Sleepy Partner attempts to locate endoscopy on the floor map in the elevator lobby. "I don't see it--" Our patient cuts him off. It's to the left, that way," she points. I just shake my head. This is not going to end well.
We push her down a long hallway towards what I KNOW is the Geriatric Psych area. I want to laugh out loud, but I manage to maintain at least a minimal amount of professionalism.
I think I should note here that our patient is completely alert and oriented. She's does not have dementia or anything else that would cloud her judgment other than a poor attitude and the inability to admit that she may not be right.
"This doesn't look familiar. You took me the wrong way!" She snaps. A transport clerk passes us from the opposite direction. She reaches out and grabs his arm. He's startled. "HEY! Where would a patient go to have an endoscopy?"
"Fi-fifth floor" He stutters. He looks at the patient, and he looks at me. I'm sure the look on my face tells him most of the story.
"How many times do I have to tell you people, this is my 20th time here and I know what I'm talking about. It's on this floor. We're just on the wrong side of the floor. Turn this stretcher around now."
Now I've had it.
"Back to the elevator. Now. This has gone on long enough." I take the foot of the cot and turn it 180 degrees. Sleepy Partner doesn't know what to think at this point. He doesn't move.
"Yo, Sleepy. Let's move."
I've managed to completely tune our patient out at this point, I'm aware that she's speaking, but I couldn't tell you anything she said.
We get back in the elevator and I hit the number five. She starts threatening to sue us again. I try a different approach this time. "Ma'am... It's possible that they've moved the department up a floor. Let's just try this. We just want you to get to your appointment." I'm pleading at this point. We exit the elevator and are staring at a sign that says "ENDOSCOPY" with a nice arrow pointing to the left. I'm gleeful. And I don't gloat. At this point I just want her off my cot.
We deliver her to the department. She actually has the nerve to tell the nurse that she's late because we took her to the wrong floor. I guess in retrospect, she was right. I knew we were going to the wrong floor, and I allowed us to go to the wrong floor anyway. I make direct eye contact with the nurse and shake my head. She is familiar with our patient and gives me a sympathetic look. She asks us to put our patient in the first bed.
Of course our patient is demanding to be put in a totally different bed. She doesn't like the view from the first bed. I put my foot down one more time.
"NO, you will go in this bed. If you want to get up and walk to another bed after we put you in this bed, that's your decision to make. The nursing staff wants you in this bed, that's where we're putting you." I look at Sleepy Partner who can't stop smiling. "Drop the cot Sleepy".
Our patient gets up and looks at Sleepy. "You two don't take commands or instruction well, do you?"
What Sleepy replies is priceless. "Ma'am, Command and Instruction are antonyms."
I snort out loud and manage to cover it up with a fake cough.
"Well.... I've never...." Our patient stammers. She looks at Sleepy then at myself. We're not moving. She's going to be getting into that bed. If it's the last thing I do as an EMT.
She finally resigns herself to her (at least temporary) fate and climbs into bed. "I'll be calling your supervisors, you know."
I hand her the run form to sign. "I'm sure you will, Ma'am. I'm very sorry things didn't go as smoothly as you would have liked. Sign here."
As we're walking out the door I look at Sleepy Partner. "Command and Instruction are antonyms? Seriously? I almost wet myself!"
He shrugs his shoulders. "Well, they are..."
I'm still alive.
For the two of you who read my blog every day, thanks for your concern :)
Here's my sob story.
Two weeks ago I took a nice tumble down a carpeted staircase. My left hip took the brunt of the impact... The sciatic nerve in my left leg, as a result... Well, let's just say she's pissed at me. Even two weeks later. As a matter of fact, she's more angry today than she was two weeks ago.
I'm not sleeping.
I'm in constant pain.
I'm absolutely miserable.
Nothing helps. Not percocet, not vicodin, not flexoril or norflex. Not 800mg ibuprofen.
Someone, please, put a bullet in me.
Posted by Epijunky at 4/20/2008 08:48:00 PM
On this day three years ago, our lives changed forever. You were born. Future Cardiologist now had a baby sister, and your Father and I had a little princess.
From the very beginning you have been... a challenge. While pregnant with you, I managed to lose 40 pounds. I also had my first experience with morning sickness (more like all-day-long sickness). You proved yourself to be my daughter (and therefore very impatient) by making your entrance into the world four weeks early.
From the start you had the entire family wrapped around your little finger. Did you know that your Grandpa actually quit smoking (after more than thirty years) just because he didn't want to smell like smoke around you? The entire family was smitten. Pink frilly clothing was arriving at our house by the truckload. Life in the house was so peaceful for the first several weeks... You were such a good baby, you slept through the night from the first week (another trait you inherited from your Mother), you took were so quiet that more times than I want to admit I checked to make sure you were breathing.
Then the colic hit. You screamed for three months straight. Yep. You are definitely my daughter.
Your "attitude" as we referred to it, never really went away. When you didn't get what you wanted or one of the adults around you dared to tell you "no" you would throw a fit and fall in it. Case in point:
And of course my personal favorite, taken shortly before you were to walk down the aisle at your Uncle's wedding:
Sweetheart, you can throw a tantrum with the best of them, but when you smile... Wow. You light up a room.
Be honest in everything you do, both with yourself and others. Being honest is the only way to keep a clean conscious. Lying to yourself is just as destructive as lying to others. One lie on its own doesn't seem significant, but believe me, you'll end up lying to cover for the previous lies. And never every lie to your Mother, because I'll know. Trust me on this. I inherited this talent from your Grandmother.
Pay attention in school. Let me repeat that one. PAY ATTENTION IN SCHOOL. I couldn't be any more serious about this one. An education is so very important. Your future depends on it. You can be anything in this world that you want to be as long as you have a good education behind you. Becoming a Doctor is significantly harder if you blew off high school, and didn't take college seriously.
Money pays the bills, but it's not everything. I know what you're thinking, Mom is nuts, right? I know, it can buy you nice things, it can provide you with opportunities you wouldn't have otherwise... But baby, believe me, it can't bring you true long term happiness. Long term happiness starts inside you. Being happy with yourself first is the key.
Have respect for yourself. Stand up for yourself.
When you say that you are going to do something, do it.
Know that in life there will be brick walls. I've learned from a wise person that brick walls are there for a reason: They let us prove how badly we want something.
Find something that you LOVE to do. Then find a way to make money doing it. What I mean by this is find a job that you love. There is nothing more miserable than dreading waking up in the morning because you hate your job. Along the same lines, don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something, or that you shouldn't do something because you happen to be female. Your Mother happens to be an EMT (Hopefully by the time you're reading this I've broken down my own personal brick wall and I'm a Medic), one of few women working in an industry dominated by men. I had several folks tell me that I should find a more suitable job. A girl shouldn't work in EMS. A mother should be home taking care of her children. My belief is that in order to take care of her children a mother needs to take care of herself. A happy Mom makes for a happier family. I hope that I can instill that in you.
Last but not least... Know that I am always here for you. I am the only person in this world who you can tell absolutely anything to without having to worry that you'll lose my respect and love. I would walk through fire for you and your brother. If you ever find yourself in a position where you don't know what to do, where you need help, or just someone to vent to, know that I am always here for you. I may not have the answers, but I'll help you find them.
So that's it, sweetheart. Happy Birthday. I thank God every day for the gift he gave us in you. I hope some day you'll read this, and take some of my advice to heart and know that I want the very best for both you and your Brother.
I love you, Baby Girl,
Posted by Epijunky at 4/10/2008 01:44:00 PM
I cannot stress this to you enough. If you haven't seen this video, I promise you it is not 1 hour and 44 minutes wasted. I've watched it half a dozen times already, and I appreciate it just as much today as I did the first time I watched it some five months ago.
ETA: Get past the first few minutes of introductions... I swear to you, it's worth it.
My Revelations meme post was picked as one of the posts of the day over at David Mcmahon's blog.
Once again, I'm honored. David is a best selling author and a phenomenal photographer. It blows my mind that he thinks highly of my posts. I'm in great company with the other bloggers who he picked.
Go check out his blog if you get a chance :)
authorblog: Post Of The Day
Posted by Epijunky at 4/07/2008 04:25:00 PM
This is some good stuff here :)
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on Satellite TV.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
I am NOT a graceful person.
Sure, I've taken years of dance lessons, played several sports, but that doesn't mean much when it's five in the morning and you haven't slept well. In a state of sleep deprivation I slipped and fell down several stairs.
All on my left side.
This was three days ago. Initially I didn't think I was hurt... My elbow was killing me to the point of considering calling in Lifeflight (okay, i'm being sarcastic, but still), but everything else seemed to be in working order. So much so that I actually worked two days, both 12 hour shifts, because I felt fine.
Until this morning. Coincidentally, the day we were celebrating my She Who Rules third birthday.
I woke up with my back feeling "stiff". I did some stretches and went on my merry way. By noon I was having spasms in my back that ran from my hip down to my knee. I started swallowing ibuprofen. By 1600 I was to the point where I knew an ER visit would be in my future.
Sure enough, within an hour I was visiting the local ER. Not my proudest moment, and I apologized continuously to anyone who would listen.... I didn't belong in an ER, but due to the hour of the day and the fact that I was supposed to work tomorrow (not to mention the fact that I could't get myself upright), I was forced to go.
Fast forward four hours.
Two shots in my back and a percocet later, I'm upright, but I feel like someone stuck a hot poker in my backside...Not fun. An unplanned vacation is in my future while my back muscles heal. Yay.
Posted by Epijunky at 4/07/2008 12:56:00 AM
I've come to realize that my boobs:
Aren't nearly as awful as I assumed they were.
I've come to realize that when I talk:
I often don't think first. I'm working on that.
I've come to realize that, when I love someone:
I'm blind. Another thing I'm working on.
I've come to realize that I need:
To learn to be my own person again. I don't know where she went, but back in the day, this girl ROCKED.
I've come to realize that I've lost:
The passion for a veritable cornucopia of things I used to be passionate about.
I've come to realize that I hate it when:
I'm lied to or purposely mislead.
I've come to realize that if I'm drunk:
I shouldn't be. With genes like mine I have no business drinking.
I've come to realize that money:
Is just money. It can pay the bills and provide some entertainment, but if someone isn't happy to begin with, having a little money wont make them any happier.
I've come to realize that people:
Can be unbelievably stupid. Myself included.
I've come to realize that I'll always be:
A little cranky in the morning, a little bitchy when I feel like I've been made a fool, and highly addicted to caffeine.
I've come to realize that I have a crush on:
Absolutely no one.
I've come to realize that the last time I cried I was:
After a run at work. I need to work on not being so damn sensitive about things.
I've come to realize that my cell phone is:
Fully charged, and my link to reality while at work.
I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning:
I was happier than I am now. But that's okay.
I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night :
I want to just sleep. No more funky dreams necessary.
I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
The fact that my contacts are dry and should come out, my daughter's birthday party on sunday, and dreading work tomorrow.
I've come to realize that babies:
Have the softest skin imaginable, but can be louder than a jet engine. They're also seriously exhausting.
I've come to realize that when I get on Myspace:
I sometimes live vicariously through my friends.
I've come to realize that today I will:
Try to make a difference, even a small one, in someone's life.
I've come to realize that tonight I will:
Sleep. Hopefully I'll sleep like a baby on benedryl.
I've come to realize that tomorrow I will:
Take someone to dialysis, and probably get run over by a stretcher. Thanks sleeping partner.
I've come to realize that I really want to:
Just have a few days of peace.
When I was 14 years old I decided I wanted to be a rockstar.
Yes, I'm serious. I'm going to have to dig up the pictures of me with Bobby Rock at a drum clinic back in 1991 or so.
I was inspired by watching someone play Rockband, or whatever the hell it's called. Basically you have a guitar as a controller, and you hit the chords as they show up in the song. It's very basic.
Went out tonight and picked up Guitar Hero for the Wii.
It's very basic, yet I very much suck at it.
It's nice to know that those lessons Mom paid for back in the day have done absolutely nothing for me as far as this game goes.
At least the kids like it... I had a blast watching my little girl jump up and down during a Poison song.
Maybe some video tomorrow.
Posted by Epijunky at 4/01/2008 11:25:00 PM