I'm moving on. For now.

I've always said that my Mother is one of the toughest people I know.

She raised us on her own. A single Mother, with no help whatsoever from my Father. She worked thankless job upon thankless job. Sometimes two or three at a time. She'd come home, exhausted, just to make dinner, do laundry, iron the clothes, fix lunches, get us ready for bed and collapse into her own bed.

Lather, rinse, repeat. The woman is and will always be a damn Saint in my eyes.

In her 51 years she never had a job she enjoyed. She never had a job that left her feeling like she did some good at the end of the day. She never had a job where she looked forward to going in to in the morning. She never complained. At least in front of us.

As an adult (if you can call me that) and a parent, I understand that she was doing what she needed to do to keep my brother and I clothed, and housed and fed. She never took a dime of public assistance in all those years.

I respect the hell out of her. Let me make sure I make that perfectly clear. I just wish she would have been able to pursue a passion of hers. Any passion. Growing up I knew she was miserable.

I have worked some pretty miserable jobs over the years (Ride Operator at Cedar Point comes to mind -- vomit potential was an 8/10). I never really felt passionate about a job until I became an EMT. In a few short years it's become part of my identity.

I'm to the point now where I can't imagine doing anything else with my life.

And that scares the shit out of me.

I've found something that I truly believe I was meant to do. And I'm not ready to give it up. I am an intrepid saver of lives after all. *smirk* While I'm not ready to give it up, I don't have a choice right now.

There is a serious shortage of EMS jobs locally. I'm facing the fact that the job I'm so passionate about is not the job I'm going to be doing. I'm going to take what my Mother taught me about bucking up and "doing what you have to do to get by" and put it into practice.

It looks like I'm back to working with computers.

I don't know what that means for my blog here... I still have some EMS posts left in me, but I don't know for how much longer. I'm not saying goodbye, I'm just saying... Hell, I don't know what I'm saying.

I will still be living vicariously through all of you out there, living the dream. Even if you're saying it facetiously.

Post Script: Before my favorite commenter says something to the effect of "But Epi... You had an EMS job. You quit it. Now STFU already!" Let me say this. There were things going on at that company that I've not made public in my posts. Was I stressed out there? Yes. But there was more. I don't regret for one second getting out of that situation.


Odie said...

come down this-a way and do it career like... pay's good


MedicMatthew said...

Go on & do whatcha gotta do. We'll still be here for ya :)

Ambulance Driver said...

Volunteer somewhere. Get on a roster with a volunteer rescue squad close to home.

Or get your butt to Louisiana and go to work for The Borg.

Tony said...

I garentee no matter what you're doing as long as you're posting there will be those of us who care still reading.

Good luck with whatever you do. Hopefully you can come back to your passion soon!

MDC708 said...

Epi... Hello, my name is Fix and I'm an ALS Addict. You're making a difficult choice, but you're not the only one who's been there, done that, and hocked the t-shirt on e-bay. Just PLEASE don't make the mistake of letting your certification expire - volunteer, work random per diem shifts for some sleazy ED, hell, sell random bits of organ meat on the side of the road... but just don't let it go. I 'left' EMS two years ago so that I could keep a roof over my family's head and food on the table... unfortunately I moved to an area where there was no opportunity to maintain my medic ticket and now I'm counting the seconds until I can find a way to weasel myself back into school and get it back so I can feel like a complete person again.

Remeber the first rule of EMS - if you become the victim then you're not helping anybody... stay sane, stay healthy, and keep your eye out for opportunities to go back to what you love.

Lucy said...

Epi...dreams only die if you let them. Don't make me write another post about you girl! While you might be walking another road right now, the one you are leaving will still be there when you are ready to come back. Keep writing and we will all keep reading...the subject matter doesn't make a difference...it is the writer who does the writing!

Chris said...

Hope you get everything sorted and manage to get back into the job you love.

Keep smiling :)

Chapati said...

Epi, I know exactly how you are feeling, as described in my post 'Remembered Dreams' and my growing insane-ness ovee the past year.

Just remember, you can get back to it...

mdc708 - thanks, that last line is exactly what I wanted to read..really helps!

bobball said...

Hey Epi,

Others have already said it, but I'm saying it again:

It was a tough choice to have to make. You made it because you needed to do what was healthy for you, and best for your kids. It doesn't mean you have to 'like' it; just that it's what you gotta do...FOR NOW.

Get set up on the paying gig, then look at your options. "Roster" (or per diem, or casual, or whatever) at the ED as a tech, keeps you touching sick people (why we feel that need, I have no idea, even after 25+ years), and frankly, gives you a more well-rounded, if not formal, education. Or, volunteer. Depending on your gig, you might be just what someplace needs. If nothing else...some of the big corporate places around here have their own first response units. Maybe you can put your EMT to work on the job (...keep your card, maybe get some/all of the training paid, and help your coworkers).

There's no reason your dream has to die...just needs a nap for now.

We'll be here regardless.