The tale of the tooth. Teeth. Whatever.

"Wakey Wakey! You have a dentist appointment in an hour, we have to get moving!"

Despite the smile on my face and my cheerful tone, Future Cardiologist scowls at me. Then he simultaneously rolls over, pulls his comforter over his head and mentally curses me out with the most vile words he knows.

Come to think of it, that might have been the worst wake up call ever. Sorry kiddo. Mommy can be a D bag.

FC manages to pull himself out of his loft bed and descend the ladder to the cold wooden floor. His hair is sticking up in seven different directions.

"Mom... I'm thirsty... can I have some juice?"

"Sorry FC... Dentist said you can't have anything to eat or drink until you're done with your appointment, remember?" I'm sure if he wasn't thinking horrible thoughts about me before, he definitely is now.

He exhales loudly. "Well how do you expect me to brush my teeth then? I always swallow a little bit of water when I brush. I shouldn't have to do it anyway, they're going to clean them at the dentist, right?" He's tired, he's cranky, and he's not exactly looking forward to the major dental work they're about to perform on him.

One root canal.
Two Fillings.

I'm willing to cut him a little slack on the attitude this morning because I know he's scared. He's so scared that they've decided to give him versed. In addition to the nitrous oxide and Novocaine. I'm willing to cut him some slack on the attitude, but brushing his teeth is non negotiable and I let him know that in no uncertain terms.

**********
FC's dentist has the absolute coolest waiting room.

Can you say free arcade games? Centipede, Space Invaders, Super Mario Brothers, PacMan, Frogger... The kids and I are fans.

FC makes a bee line for Super Mario Brothers while I get him signed in. Five releases, a HIPAA pamplet and the promise of my next born child later I'm cleared for the waiting room. And Centipede. Thank God I didn't have to hip check any five year olds to play it.

*Insert five minutes of bliss with one of my favorite 80's video games here*

"FC? FC they're ready for you." The secretary with the fake boobs, fake tan and veneers is waiting for us with a big toothy grin.

**********

I've had versed before. I have no memory of it. It's strangely effective like that.

FC has never had it.

From what I saw on his face after doing a shot of it with a fruit juice chaser, it tastes like warm horse piss. Or Natty Light. Or battery acid (only one of which I've ever tried drinking) . FC spent thirty seconds scraping his tongue with his fingernails in an effort to rid his mouth of the aftertaste. We were escorted to the holding room and left there.

And then the real fun began.

Now, I'm not one to draw amusement from my childrens antics while on drugs, I -- Oh holy hell, who am I trying to kid.

FC eyes me suspiciously. "What're you lookin' awt?" His speech is slurred. I'm instantly reminded of my father the drunk, sitting on a bar stool.

"FC? You feeling okay honey?" I try to hide my giggles. It doesn't work.

"That caaayawt is GINORMOUS!"

I choke on my coffee. "What cat are you talking about??? There is no caaayawt. There's not even a cat!"

FC's head flops back, hitting (and ultimately resting against) the wall. Five seconds later the pain registers. "Owwwch. That huwt."

*Snort*

FC's Dental Assistant reappears. "You ready, honey? How are you feeling."

FC, for his part, stares intently at the ceiling. "I cantpickmahheadurp."

*Snooooooort* Yes folks, I laughed at him. I laughed at my baby boy. What the hell, he wont remember it.

"Mawwwm? I cayuntwuwk."

"I know you can't walk, baby, I'll carry you." I scooped him up, lanky legs dangling over my arm and deposited him in the exam chair. They kicked me out of the room as they were hooking him up with some nitrous.

I'm sure things got downright hysterical after that.

**********

The downside to the waiting room of a pediatric dentist's office is Playhouse Disney. On every plasma screen tv.

Thank God I brought a good book.

"Epi?"

It's his Dental Assistant. I walk into the hallway with her. "How's he doing? He's not hitting on you is he? The guys in this family get a little grab happy when they're innebriated."

"Oh no, he's doing fine and behaving himself. Doctor did say that they're just going to pull those teeth though. We should be done in about half an hour."

Oh fantastic. Three pulled teeth. "Okay, you're sure he'll be okay?"

The Dental Assistant is fantastic. I love her. So far she's been completely honest with him, letting him know everthing she was going to do before she did it. Unlike that evil nurse from the allergist. I trust her when she assures me that he didn't even flinch when they gave him the novocaine shots.

I head back to my book and Little Einsteins.

**********

"He's all done." Rockin' Dental Assistant announces.

"He do okay?" I'm more than a little nervous. I gather my cell phone and purse and follow her back.

Here's what I'm presented with.

"Hey FC! I heard you were very brave. I'm so proud of you."

He wrote me a note. "Why cant I feel my mouth?"

"It's numb, baby."

His fingers curiously play with his lips. He tries to smile but just drools. "It feels wierd" He writes.

"I know it does, honey, that's going to last for awhile. Should we stop off and get a Wii game?"

He tries to smile again but just drools.

Thank God that's over with... Jesus I wish they had a Mommy dose of versed for me.

**********

FC was pretty unsteady on his feet so his Dental Assistant waited with him in the lobby while I ran to get the car.

When I walked back into the waiting room he was crying.

Oh shit.

I looked from FC to his companion incredulously. "What's wrong? What did I miss?" I ran my hand through FC's hair.

"He's getting a little emotional..." She gave me a pleading look to please get him out of there before he scared the other kids. I walked him on shaky legs to the car.

The floodgates opened. My boy got hysterical. He sobbed with wreckless abandon. He cried like I had never seen him cry before.

It scared the shit out of me. I couldn't get him to talk to me, he just shrieked. Huge crocodile tears drenching his face. "Baby, what's wrong? Are you hurting? Are you scared? Can you talk to me?"

He continued to wail. I got him home, comfortable on the couch, and promptly called the dentists office. I was assured that a nurse would call me back asap.

I turned to Emily. Have I mentioned lately how much I love Emily?

*snip*

>Hey girl :)
>
> My little guy had some teeth yanked this morning, they gave him
> versed and nitrous (and novocaine as well)... I just got him home
> and he's hysterical. Sobbing like I've never seen him cry.
>
> Normal side effect?

*snip*

She emailed me back immediately and let me know that it was normal. I exhaled for the first time in 45 minutes. He was still crying, but was at least answering questions.

"They pulled out my favorite tooth! Now the toothfairy wont give me any money for it!" He wiped tears away with his sisters blanket.

Is that it? Seriously?

I pulled the tooth, teeth, whatever, out of my purse. They were in two tiny little treasure chests. His eyes grew huge.

"Cooool!" He held his hand out and I have them to him. "Do you think the toothfairy will still come? Three teeth in one night, that's gonna be a lot of money!"

Oh Lord. He's looking for a payday.

I guess I can't blame him. I'd do the same thing.

**********

The tears have long since dried, video game rentals were scored, and promises of icecream have been honored. He's doing great. The only pain relief he's needed has been a bit of ibuprofen.

I will be having a drink tonight. Maybe two.

9 comments:

Fyremandoug said...

I have a versed story on my son ...I should post it

asthepumpturns said...

Aw poor dude, I know how he feels and um versed has the same effect on me! And I totally would have been pissed if they took my favorite tooth!

-Kim

bobball said...

I think nearly all of us in "the business" are twisted like that. My ex and I couldn't stop laughing when my youngest had Chloral Hydrate before an MRI (late 90s). He was in that infant/toddler stage...look around with the glassy eyes, give a weird smile, and then lose control of his head, which would usually hit whichever of us was holding him, on the chest.

Tony said...

Epi, you shouldn't feel too bad about laughing at FC's drugged up state. Especially since he hopefully won't remember :-).

When I was in 6th grade I had 4 teeth pulled (this is in addition to the 7 I had yanked 2 years before). I remember trying to swallow Tilenol and water with numb lips and having absolutely zero luck. My mom was cracking up so hard at me, it got me cracking up. Pretty amusing now. :-)

NannyOgg said...

awww, hugs to you and him!
glad it's OVER!

karen

Sue said...

I was laughing so hard i was crying.... thank you for sharing....

Hammer said...

Glad he came through ok. That medicine is really something.

My girls have had 10 teeth pulled each to make room for adult teeth and they are goofy as hell on the ride home.

Carol said...

Brave little man there! I always laugh when observing someone on versed. But when I'm reminded of how I act on it I don't see it as so funny.

**Note to self: check on condition of lost sense of humor.

Bernice said...

Poor little man!

The Lieutenant sad some pretty hilarious things after one of his surgeries. At least I know he does really love me, even if the nurse did have great boobs. ;o)