Watch What You Say...

"Momma!!! Look, a firetruck!!!" My little girl is losing her mind from the backseat of the car. We're stopped at a traffic light, a Sprinter Ambulance is two or three cars ahead of us.

"No, honey, that's an Ambulance."

"Nooo, it's a FIREtruck." To She Who Rules, a firetruck is INFINITELY cooler than an Ambulance. Particularly the Sprinter type.

"SWR, Sweetheart, it' Look, see the lights?" I realize that I'm arguing with a three-year-old and immediately shut my mouth.

Nice, Epi... Mom of the year material for sure.

The light turns green and the Ambulance turns ahead of us. When SWR sees the EKG rhythm marching across the side of the truck she squeals again, "Mooooom!!!! AMBULANCE! CATCH IT!"

I've been in that very Ambulance... Come to think of it, both of my kids have been in that Ambulance. It's the only Sprinter truck in the city, it's kind of hard to miss.

I follow the truck for the four blocks we have before they reach their station.


The late season snow storm took no one by surprise... Winters in Ohio are notorious for being frigid, snowy, and lasting clear into Spring. The Meteorologist had been on TV for the better part of the day warning us that we could expect a decent amount of the white stuff to come down in the early evening hours, starting during rush hour.

I was 33-weeks along with She Who Rules and had an OBGYN appointment that afternoon. FC went with me. Mr. Epi was working, and FC always loved to see the ultrasounds. I was aware that snow was coming, but I've lived in Ohio for most of my adult life. Driving in snow and icy conditions is nothing new to me.

The snow was starting to come down as we left the Doctor's Office. It was moderately heavy and quickly accumulating. With my stellar snow navigation skills I made it home in ten minutes. Well, almost.

I was sitting at the corner waiting to turn left, one block short of my house when some jackass nailed my car from behind, sending the car with me and FC, spinning.

The car came to a rest 180 degrees from where we started. My heart was racing. "FC, buddy, are you okay?" I turned to the back seat to see him sitting there with a wild look on his face. He had his seat belt on, he was okay.

"Mom what just happened? Did someone hit us?" Truly, he was more excited than scared.

I unbuckled my seat belt and got out of the car. "Yeah buddy, someone hit us. " I looked around for the car that I was SURE would be sitting just up the street, or backing up to make sure we were okay, just to see him speeding down Eleanor Blvd.

Then pregnant Epi got pissed. I wont repeat most of what I was alternating between yelling and mumbling under my breath, because truthfully, it was not something that should have been said in front of a five-year-old. And again, it was not a proud moment for me as a parent. I wanted to run down the street, find the guy who hit us, and kick his ass. Army style.

The nice guy who lived on the corner at the time came out of his house to check on us. "Ya'll okay? Did he take off? Oh... You are VERY pregnant, aren't you?"

Clearly. "Could you call 911 for me?" I was standing outside in the snow, no coat, ultrasound jelly stained on my shirt, in all my pregnant glory.

Friendly neighbor looked nervous, "You're going into labor or anything are you?"

"Oh God no, my neck hurts a little, that's all." Well, my whole body hurt, but I was pretty pregnant. I went back to the car and sat next to FC in the back seat of the car while Friendly neighbor called 911. FC was very brave. We could hear the sirens coming within minutes.

FC's eyes grew huge, "Mom, the firetrucks are coming, aren't they?"

The firetrucks were coming, the LifeSquad was coming, and two police cars were coming. Basically, the Calvary was on it's way, code 3. "Yes, Baby, the firetrucks are coming."

I just wanted to make a police report... that's all...

The engine arrived a minute later and immediately left. The LifeSquad stayed. Two Paramedics came to the car.

"Ma'am, how far along are you?" Paramedic 1 asked as he pulled a small notebook out of his pocket.

"I'm 33 weeks... Look, I'm really okay, my neck hurts a little, but I'm okay. We just wanted to make a police report for the --"

"Your neck hurts?" Paramedic 1 cut me off.

I nodded. "Well it hurts a little, it's not horrible." First mistake. I didn't know any better. I can't blame him, he was doing what he thought he needed to do... And as an EMT now, I would have done the same. Neck pain plus MVC buys you a board. Anything else will cost you your cert.

Medic 2 was assessing FC. For his part, he was asking plenty of questions. She was excellent with him. She distracted him as they told me that I needed to be boarded and collared and showed him the Ambulance as they slid me out of the car on the board.

I looked up at the Medic as he taped my head down. "You really think this is necessary?" The lights from the ambulance were bouncing off of the trees and houses and in general, making me nauseous.

"Well, Ma'am, yes I do. You have neck pain, you're pregnant, you could have a fracture in your neck, and you really need to at least be monitored in the ER." Then he taped right over my eyebrows.

Well at least I wont have to worry about that waxing I had scheduled for next week. Did he just call me Ma'am?

A private ambulance service arrived shortly to transport me. A petite blond female and a tall male EMT appeared above me. They exchanged pleasantries with the Medics from the ALS-only LifeSquad from TFD.

That's when it happened.

Medic 1: Do you guys need some help lifting her?

Female EMT: Yeah. Looks like she hasn't missed a meal lately.

Okay, this is where Epi from now has to look back and say WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE THINKING?

I was CLEARLY pregnant.

Three days after the accident Yes, the pregnant overalls are HAWT, right?

Like I said, clearly I was pregnant. This EMT's one comment upset me to the point where I couldn't speak for most of the ride to the hospital. I'm sure the only reason I didn't verbally attack her on the spot was because my son was with me. Was she exhausted and cold? Probably. I don't doubt that considering the storm.

When I came across her almost a year later, as a fellow EMT, I took five minutes in an EMS room to remind her of who I was and the importance of watching what you say in front of a patient.


Medic61 said...

Wow, yeah, seriously. That's such a weird thing to say...I'd never say something like that in front of a patient! Gah, people burn me up. Also, hit and run!? Jackass!

Evil Transport Lady said...

Holy shit! You should have a talk with my partner, I'm getting tired of pulling his feet out of his mouth. He also tends to talk before he thinks.

MedicMatthew said...

On what f*cking planet would ANYone, ever, even for a nanosecond, think that it is anywhere near the vicinity of being appropriate to say something like that in any circumstance?

Epijunky said...

Hey ya'll :)

The only thing that I can come up with is she assumed that because I was on a board and collared I was also deaf.

And even then it's inappropriate.

Odie said...

thats downright rude first off even before its inappropriate

it amazes me what people will say on scene in front of patients

was on scene once with a medic who in front of the decedants family, asked if i wanted to practice blood pressures on the deceased, "she wouldnt mind"

Epijunky said...


*GASP* that's all I can come up with. I would come unglued if a partner said something so horribly inappropriate and insensitive in front of a family member.

Greybeard said...

I'll say this-
Your writing is HAWT.
That was better than good.
Thank you.

Epijunky said...

Greybeard you flatter me :) Thank you very much.

Anonymous said...

Aw, you're so restrained. I've let things fly in front of all three kids that have made seasoned marines blush.

I can be a hothead.

Epijunky said...

Cranky believe me, I'm not typically so restrained. Must have been the hormones. My daughter dropped the F word in front of my Brother a few weeks ago. He was impressed.

Can't imagine where she picked that up from.