I think I'm lost... (Originally Posted 7-12-06)

I'm just not sure what to do with myself today. I need to get my head on straight. It feels like I can’t do anything right. I’m grateful that for the most part it’s nothing major, but yikes. Maybe my B-12 is low again.

Let me start by running down how last night went.

EpiJunky LOVES her some fireworks. I’m like a five year old. I get goosebumps watching them. I *HEART* fireworks. Tonight they’re shooting a rather large display off from a huge suspension bridge. I spent the first half hour of the shift trying to figure out how we could end up over on that side of town.

Pseudo Dad managed to pull it off. That’s why I love having him as a partner. I still don’t know how we managed it, but at 21:55 we were pulling into the gas station RIGHT NEXT TO the bridge where they were shooting off the display. God love that man. Of course we had to report to dispatch that we were “blocked in” at the gas station.

I should be ashamed of myself, I know.

We weren't terribly busy the rest of the night. We can blame this on a real nice little car accident with multiple patients, two of them in the back of our lil "van"bulance... Did I mention the fact that I got us a bit lost on the way to the call? Just a little bit. Added a minute on to our arrival time. Long story short it was an old map. Yeah, that’s what I’m blaming it on. Old map.

We get to Local ER, deliver our patients, yes, that's two, did I mention in the back of our van we had TWO patients? Yes, I'm babbling. It's just that this van is tiny enough. PseudoDad is close to 6’4” and I’m 6’0”, and it's kind of cramped under normal situations. Anyway, I digress. Both patients were delivered safely and without incident.

We go out to start the rig up, we're both cold, soaking wet from being out in the rain... And lo and behold, the rig does NOT start. No, I did not leave the lights on, no I did not leave the battery on...

There’s nothing more humiliating more than having the local competition (who coincidentally has SIGNIFICANTLY newer and nicer rigs) laugh and offer to jump your ambulance.
An hour and a half and several jump attempts later... It starts. We take the rig directly down to The Little Private Service that Could’s HQ, switch rigs (oh yeah, not only was the rig battery obviously having issues, but our "angry horn" wasn't working.) and head back to The Closet.
So now it's practically three am. We're both still wet. We're both cold. We're both tired, yet not tired. But tired.

After maybe three and a half hours of sleep I wake up, stumble out to the car, drive home, pick up milk, drive out to my 0815 physical therapy appointment, and find out that it's actually at 1715 as opposed to 815, tomorrow it's at 815.... *cries*

And it gets better still, most of the rest is revolving around whether or not I, EpiJunky, EMT-B wants to become EpiJunky, Paramedic, instead. I want it so much I can hardly stand it... It just looks like it might take a hell of a toll on my kids, my husband, my marriage, my sanity etc... I'd need some significant babysitting help from my family, and it just doesn't look like it's going be able to happen. It seems as if everything I do is wrong right now, but it’s not enough to deter me. I want to learn more.