Epi's Descent into Madness

Otherwise known as Adventures in Pottytraining.

"Sweetheart, let's go have a Potty Party... Come on, honey, let's go!!!!"

Okay, so I'm not nearly as excited as I'm pretending to be, but She Who Rules is pushing 3 1/2. Homegirl needs to get potty trained before the cost of her diapers bankrupts me.

Jesus, did I just use the phrase Potty Party?

"Uhhhmmmm No." My daughter, the headstrong one... is less than interested. She's busy playing with her new Barbie doll. Dora the Explorer is barking out orders on the TV set.

Dora: "Amarillo! Can you say Amarillo? SAY AMARILLO!!!!! SAY IT!!!!!"

Jesus that Dora chick is awful demanding. I turn my attention back to the Little One.

"I think there might be a popsicle waiting for you in there... Do you want a popsicle???"

She Who Rules is now absentmindedly swinging the aforementioned Barbie around by her hair. Ninja Style. "Uhmmm... No. Juice! I want Juice!!!"

JACKPOT!!! Juice it is. Juice I can work with! I run to the kitchen and fetch a Capri Sun. When I return to the living room, my precious angelic baby girl is running her Barbie over with a Tonka truck.

"What? What are you doing? You're torturing Barbie... She's going to need an ambulance!" I rescue the bedraggled blonde from the clutches of my precious snowflake. "Come on, Peanut... Let's go have that party." I dangle the Capri Sun in front of her, just out of her reach.

Yes, I'm resorting to bribery. I'm a weak weak Mom.

She Who Rules manages to sit on the potty for thirty seconds, happily sucking down her Tropical Punch before jumping to her feet and declaring that she's done.

"But you haven't gone potty yet... Why don't we sit here for a--"

"I'm DONE!!!! I'm DONE I'M DONE I'M DONE!!!!!!!!" Her face contorts into something resembling Satan. If Satan were female. And three.

"Ohhhhkay then. Let's go put on some big girl panties... Won't that be cool? Mommy got you some Dora panties!"

Clearly this is not going well.

"Uhmmm... No."

"But they're DORA! Look at how pretty they are... They're pink and have sparkles on them..." I hold them up for her to examine.

She studies them for a minute, pondering. The Jeopardy theme plays in my head.

Please just put the damn panties on, let's get this show on the road...

"Uhm... Okay!!!!" She Who Rules has given her thumbs up approval to the Dora panties. Hey, it's a tiny step in the right direction, and it beats letting her run around naked. Which I'm sure she would have preferred.

Flash forward five minutes.

"Little girl, do you have to go potty?" I'm standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. Dora has since been replaced by SpongeBob. The tv show, not the panties. At least she's not torturing Barbie anymore.

"Uhm.... No!" She's focused all of her attention on guy who lives in a pineapple under the sea.

I creep slowly towards her, hoping, praying, that the element of surprise will work in my favor. I stop short when I realize...

She's sitting in a puddle.

Dammit.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.